A Seven Day Silent Retreat
I was not looking forward to the silent retreat. I had a sense of just wanting to get it over with so that I can carry on with my life. My resistance could have been due to the impeding silence or maybe something much deeper that I was unwilling to have a closer look at.
It turns out that silence always has a way to give me answers. That becoming still is a luxury that I do not often have, yet at a very deep level it is something that I do crave. I can describe it as a settling, a chance to strip off the layers and to come face to face with my truth. I was rather surprised to discover that the silence in itself does not make me uncomfortable anymore. That it felt like a soothing balm in what I can only describe as a really tough year.
Things however did arise for me. But where in the past I would be unable to deal with them I could bring curiosity to them this time round.
I wrote the following in my journal: Could I just be here fully present whilst doing nothing? I perceive it as doing nothing. I always speak about craving white space. Uncluttered, no to do lists… just white space to sit and breath and recharge. Can I be open to spending an extended amount of time with myself without wanting to distract myself? Without wanting to change it? Can I rest into the silence, holding myself lightly along the way? Can I do me this justice? Can I be this kind to myself? Can I honour myself in this way? Can I nurture myself in this way? Can I love myself enough to spend this precious time with myself?
I believe that spending time in silence with yourself is really an act of love. It is nourishing and needed. Contemplating the above questions that I posed to myself at the beginning of the retreat I can honestly say that at different times during the retreat I was able to answer yes to all those questions.
I wrote down phrases that landed in my heart in my journal during schedules talks or which I discovered at other moments. I will share some of these wisdoms that silence taught me.
We Are Cultivating Attention For The Purpose Of Meeting Our Experience
Being here means more than just formal meditation. Am I here when I am walking and resting? I somehow sometimes think that formal meditation takes preference, however now I know it does not. Being here in all that I do is important.
I Do Not Need To Micro Manage My Experience Like A Sports Commentator
I can just drop into the body and allow it to be without having to figure out all the drama all the time. This was a penny dropping moment for me. A lot was spoken about spaciousness. I’ve understood this on a cognitive level, but I have never felt it until the retreat. That spaciousness is vast enough to hold all experience. And within that spaciousness there is room for all experience. I can meet it with compassion and not get caught up in all the drama that I forever attach to it. I can deeply care for even the messiness and the ugly parts which I do not understand. I can just allow it, tend to my experience, and track it without all the drama.
Do Not Let Your Mind Forget About Your Body
I love that. It is such a strong reminder to stay embodied, and an important thing to remember as I go forward in my mindfulness journey. Your breath is your friend in difficult times. If you are able to stay with the whole inhale you have done well. If you are able to stay with the whole out breathe you have done well. So simple, yet so powerful to remember this.
Some Of Us Have Forgotten How To Rest
The art of resting well. I contemplated a lot on this in the context of my own life. The rushing. The business. I wandered about how I can bring more rest into my life. How do I cultivate this level of stillness and rest into an already full life? I did not come up with a solid plan, but I had an idea of what I wanted to do differently. Ideas and reality however has a way of not quite coming together and it has been a challenge to sustain my promises to myself.
When We Sit With Horror And Deep Sorrow We Often Do Two Things:
We Either Harden Up Or We Collapse Under It
I can relate to this. If I think of my grief I can see how I hardened up. How I started living out of my head, forgetting about my heart space. I understand now how living only from my head has resulted in a life that is half lived. I have missed out on deep connections and beautiful moments. So the idea is not holding on tightly. Not pushing away. Not disconnecting. The vast spaciousness of experience can hold it all. Whatever arises. Yet, we push, pull and run away instead of allowing all experience to settle into the vastness of our holding. We are too ridged and need to make space for more fluidity. What an incredible truth.
The wisdom that I have acquired from the silent retreat cannot fully be related through words. It is a deep knowing, a penny that dropped, and moments of pure understanding. As mentioned above I learned a lot about myself, about mindfulness, about working with my experience. I trust that the wisdom that I acquired will become so part of me that I will be able to draw from it during times of teaching. That I can operate from the heart space, that my head will not forget about my body and that I will always remember that my experience is always there no matter the setting. That there exists a vastness like the ocean within me and when I get constricted, or evasive or caught up I can release or come back home to my experience. It will never let me down.